One brick at a time.....

One look at the inside of my house, and you know....you know there is a problem! In fact, you may not even have to get to the front door to know!  A hoarder lives here!  I didn't plan it that way, I do not want to be a hoarder, but a hoarder is part of who I am today!  I am trying to change my ways, I beat myself up, others beat me up, I try, I fail, I try again and I fail again!  I don't know if this time will be different, but I am trying....AGAIN!  One thing you have to admit, is I am persistent!  And while I am sure its different this time, only time will really tell!

My progress has been slow, I joined some online groups on FB, that address organization, hoarding and other emotional garbage!  I say that, because I know it is more than organization!  I can organize!  Stacks of boxes, mail, piles of papers, things all carefully placed atop an ever growing hoard!  Occasionally I swing too wide with a fat hip and things go flying!  Sort of like an elephant in a tutu, you just know something is going to happen here!

I've watched the shows on hoarding, thinking to myself, I am one step from being the crazy lady with mice in her house!  And while that has been my mantra for a bit....well that I am not "that" bad!  The fact is, inside I am just as crazy as a box of schizophrenic squirrels.  No one can help me!  I am my own worst enemy!  I hear people say things like it will do magic!  "Just chuck it!"  Uh, I don't think you understand my problem!  I can't "just chuck it!"  That's the problem!  I am trapped by it, I am attached in very unnatural ways to it, and I am tired of it!

So now, what is different this time?  I think its that I have stopped hiding it!  I don't care any more!  Actually that is not true, I still care plenty, but I have stopped acting like it isn't a problem any more!  Not that anyone hasn't tried to tell me that (like I am deaf, dumb and blind!).  Its like saying to a fat person "Just stop eating so much!".  Yes, BUT......and there you have it!  Yes, but I am ill!  Yes, but you can't touch it!  Yes, but you can't help me!  Its a long list, best to just know, I have to do it myself!  If I could get someone to help me, I would, few people can help because most of them, sensing the trouble, say just chuck it!  Because that's what they would do!

So anyways, back to the brick.....I made my office GROUND ZERO!  It is my last stand, my Alamo if you will!  It is the epicenter of my problem of disorganization and in some ways, more devoid of emotional triggers, except if I come across a card from the kids, or my nieces and nephews, or my now passed Grammas.  Or pictures!  Or journals!  Ok, so there are a few bombs in here to detonate!  The good thing is, they take up little room in the scheme of things and if that was all I need to keep, I am fine with that (I have gathered them all up in small boxes!).  I have shredded, tossed, filed and organized my papers, trash, files, bills, etc.  I am in the home stretch!

I am literally down to less than 10 boxes.  It has gotten a little more challenging as the pile has dwindled downwards,  Some of the boxes have been thinned more than once!  I know all the rules say touch it once and do one of the following:  Toss, shred, file-but I am a little more crazy than some of the other hoarder squirrels!  I try to touch it once, but occasionally, I have to touch it a few times before tossing it!  Thats okay, as long as I am making progress!  And that's the thing, I am making progress!

It might be on the slow side, but my tossing muscle has gotten stronger and my attachment to "things" is getting less!  The pull on me to keep it all, is no longer a death grip!  Will I make it?  Time will tell!  For now, each box is a brick in my future self, building up my strength, my resolve and my ability to let go!  Its also a brick off my chest!  No longer does the idea of someone coming over make me crazy!  I have a spot for them to sit in my office!  I can find my bills so I can pay them!  Well, if there is enough money to, I can!

This is a photo of my expanding space, my new company spot, my one spot in the house that is comfy, warm and bright!  It isn't covered in boxes of paper, it isn't hoarded up with pens, paper clips and staplers!  I am inspired to continue and keep going!  I feel lighter, mentally more stable!  Even if you look inside and see the crazy squirrels in me, there are less of them now!

Bag it! Tag it! Set it to the curb!

Another week has passed with not a lot of progress on the office/library, but then, my life has been a whirlwind!  One of my former fosters Granny came to the house late Monday night to tell me that Renee was in the hospital with a stroke after being released earlier that day.  She had been in and out of the hospital since giving birth October 23 to her 4th child and first girl, Gwendolyn.  Her heart was only working at 15% capacity and now her brain was working at 1/3 capacity.  It was heartbreaking!

I was in limbo, unable to think, I tried to work.  But the calls kept coming and the news kept getting worse.  My niece and her had been BFF's since both of them lived in my home at about the same time.  They had confided in each other about boyfriends, drama, stuff they hide from the old lady (me!).  It was a rough ride, as my niece was a bit buck wild and bound and determined to not follow the rules, and Renee was a willing follower.  But that was years ago, they had remained friends through boyfriends, trouble, kids, marriage and so on.  Now both married and pregnant, only 2 months apart and both expecting girls and an outcome no one saw coming!

All that aside for now, trying to get back into the groove, trying to push through, so trying to make up for lost time and trudging through to get back on track.  Slow as it has been, I did make a little progress, but in small baby steps.  This weekend, I have made a super effort to try and get through the last of the boxes.  Its getting much harder I think, because now less paper work is being shredded and more is being saved.  And I have also started to go through some of the files I made and shredding a few more things too, that really are not needed!

But today, I got through 4 bags of trash, although, by the looks of the remaining pile, it seems like only 2 small boxes went away!  How could that be?  It seems there is more room, but this pile doesn't seem to be diminishing at any great rate of speed!  Granted, this week was full of drama, tragedy and triumph, but not so different than other weeks, minus the life and death situation.  Sill, it is progress, even at my turtle speed!  I am ready for trash day and its only Sunday!

So here's my pictures for the week, and I guess I can include the befores, it seems to remind me that there has been more progress than I might have appreciated otherwise!

Bagged and tagged!

The little rattan ottoman also has storage, I keep a throw in there.  The rug got 'piddled' on my my Italian Greyhound Echo, and once washed, would not sit flat, so I replaced it with another in the same color scheme that's a rectangle.  Looks better actually, I think!

I have started filling the drawers with office supplies like notepads, note cards, glue, pens, pencils, etc.  Very convenient and stylish I think.

And this is the Hell it sprouted from below, tell me what you think!

The chaotic, hot mess!

Backed into a corner

My binder trouble seems to have me in a pickle here.  I have been trying for several days to conquer it, and some how the project has turned into an enormous under taking.  I tried breaking it down into smaller steps, but the steps keep getting bigger too!  Not to be undone, I have persisted and managed to get a large cedar chest removed, along with several smaller drawer cases and another ton of paper filled boxes.  Just when I thought I was winding down from the enormous paper purge, I have another bundle that awaits shredding, sorting and filing.  This is also, in addition to the pile waiting in the dining room (my last attempt was trying to do this in the dining room, so there is still more boxes in there!).

I have yet to truly tackle the binder bind I have gotten into.  Now normally, this is about the spot where I would say this is too much, I can't do it, it's not going to happen, I have failed, AGAIN!  But I am bound and determined that I shall push through and I feel it is important to continue on, even if reduced to less than baby steps.  Am I going to have to go HALF-SISES on you?  I think I may, in order to continue on, break this bad boy down.  The thoughts that are flooding in are really my old tapes playing, previous failures trying to make another one for me!

So I need to give myself a pep talk, I can do this, just smaller bites of the elephant to 'git 'er done!  After all, this did not happen overnight, it was done one layer at a time and will just require more time to excavate out from under this.  For some reason, I keep coming back to chastising myself and feeling out of control.  But that is not reality, its a feeling.  I believe I am doing what I would say to the kids when ever they started to have success, they would self sabotage!  Because they knew what failure looked like, felt like, but they did not know what success was.  So when it would happen, they would get so uncomfortable, they would sabotage themselves!  We would have lots of talks, prop them up, encourage, praise, celebrate every little step till they made it.

So why can't I cheer lead myself?  I am good at doing this for others, but lousy for myself!  I feel like that character from Saturday Night Live Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmations.  "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!"  It used to make me howl, it was hilarious!  So I guess I will have to do a little propping, a little praising, a little celebrating and just try and get comfortable with letting go of things and getting on top of this!  But this part is not emotional clutter, this is different!  But this should be easier, but its the low level of progress that I keep hounding myself about, so I am going to stop that!

Sometimes, there are pauses, it may seem like nothing is happening, but it is.  Just not like fireworks noticeable, but subtle!  And I have to be content with that.  So I am going to regroup and carry on!  Because the bottom line is, I really do like walking through my office with the stacks being knocked over,  I really like being able to find thing quickly!  I really like sitting at my desk and paying a bill and filing it!  I like that I am not wasting 2 hours trying to find the bill I set down some where so I could pay it, or worse, forgetting about it, because it wasn't on my radar any more!  It is definitely getting better as I go!  And for that, I am grateful!

So even though it seems I have backed myself into the corner, it is just one more of many corners I have to turn in the days ahead, but lets just keep focused on this one and not worry about all the others!  I don't need to worry about those corners, just this one!  And one corner that is done, is ever so pretty and functional.  I have my little fireplace, my lamp, a little Christmas tree and a chair to read, think and drink my cappuccino.  That is huge!  And I do not have to worry about stacks of boxes falling on me, or boxes of paper going up in flames, no, its very sweet and cozy and safe!  That is what one corner did for me!

Now with that said, has anybody else attempted this?  Have you run into problems trying to clear the hoard?  Trying to get on top of your clutter?  Have you pushed through any setbacks?  If so, how did you handle it?  I would love to hear from anybody reading this, just any words you may have that would help, advice, warnings, etc.  Anybody?  Is this thing on?  So take a look with me at how far I have come!  I have made progress, haven't I?

Before fireplace corner

After fireplace corner

Before messy desk

Cleaner desk

Cluttered corner

Corner cleared

Top shelf

The progress has slowed to a bit of a crawl, but that's okay.  As you can see from the photos below, my desk is a mess!  Tonight I decided to clear the top the very cluttered hutch.  Yup!  My goals are getting smaller now!  Anyways, I cleared off all the junk piled up there!  Records of the dogs, medication, a halogen light, boxes of pure junk and a vintage Rolodex.  I got out my ladder and dust began to rain down on me!  I got a damp rag and wiped to top, enough dust to make a whole grown bunny out of!  I wiped down the lamp, used the vacuum cleaner to get all the cobwebs off the walls.  Then I placed a locked little antique chest, the now cleaned vintage Rolodex, and a sewing box my Father (now passed) made for me as a child.  Much nicer!

Tomorrow, I am going to try and reduce all the visual clutter tucked into the edges between the glass and the doors that has become the equivalent of the kitchen fridge!  I am also making a new habit, each evening, before calling it quits for the night, I straighten up whatever new mess I have made, in what I have already finished, so that it stays clean.  So not only am I maintaining the spaces already claimed from the brink, I find a new one, however small, to work on next!

Messy, messy desk!

The now cleaned top of the hutch on my desk!

I feel much better, even though it is going slower, I am not getting over whelmed and I am not feeling like I am failing!  Just another baby step!  And I am enjoying my little fire place IMMENSELY!  It's such a sweet spot to sit, read, have my cappuccino and have company,  I am making notes of what needs to go, and hoping, maybe this weekend I can get some help with getting the massive cedar chest out of here!  But that's for another day!

Another day, another box

So things have been progressing, a box at a time now.  I have made considerable headway on the office, enough to show a few pictures of the progress so far.  Be gentle, I am still struggling!
I am now able to enjoy sitting by my little fireplace, safely, and have a cappuccino in the morning and decide what to do next, or even read a little bit.
I have decided on a few things that can come in and a few things to go out.  The things coming in include a container for my unread magazines, a small table for my magazine and cappuccino to sit on, and perhaps a SMALL ottoman.  The things that are going is a large cedar hope chest, filled with linens, a bookcase that I will swap out for a mortgage locker (it has all kinds of cubbies to hold my many office supplies , and the bookcase is thin enough to go in my kitchen to hold my spice....another area trouble spot!) and my large leather ottoman is going in the living room, where it belongs.  There is also a craftsman bookcase with glass doors that needs to go also.
Yes, still a work in progress, but at least its progress and not regress!  I have also come to realize, I can't be perfect.  It seems whenever I start to feel as if I am not attaining some sort of perfection, I start to lose heart, and that in turn seems to add to a feeling of being paralyzed.  Why?  I do not know.  It may go back to when I was younger, I always felt the need to be perfect, to get perfect grades, to do some project perfectly and if it wasn't, or I wasn't I wouldn't want to do it anymore.  But that seems silly when I actually say it.  Its something I wouldn't let any of the kids say about doing or not doing something.  I would say "Do your best and that is good enough!"  Not "do it good enough, not your best!"  So I know there is some perfectionism going on, maybe a little OCD, and then the feeling its not perfect, so why bother?!  Just silly, I know.  But it does 'catch' me.  Pushing through and just trying to do my best, whatever that is, that's what it is, at least I am trying, really should be the phrase that pays here, for now!
Kind of reminds me of this skit, I think it was on SNL, I think it was Al Franken playing Stuart Smalley, and he was some sort of non-licensed guru, and he would say "Gosh darn it, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me!" while looking into a mirror on a show called Daily Affirmations.  It was hilarious and I sometimes felt like Stuart in my own dysfunctional family.  So thinking about that, makes me laugh, and brings a little reality to my misery and a little lift to my spirit.  Just sometimes you have to find the funny in a situation to carry on.  A break from the madness, so to speak!

My cozy spot.


My AFTER photo!

A little slice of Heaven!


I found a sweet little marble based lamp with a beautiful shade, a small table I had on the porch, and a lovely little foot stool.  I added the firescreen, but I think I may just keep it to the side, folded, but put it up when the dogs are out.  Bunnie Jo likes sticking her nose a little too close to the flames for my comfort.  Not that she burned her nose, but I want her to be safe from her curiosity!

Steady as she goes

The phrase for the week is "Steady as she goes".  Mounds of paper and boxes have found new homes via the shredder and trash can, and other, more important documents have made their way into binders and files.  Office supplies abound and have been corralled into boxes, bins and shelves.  I have reached a small place of nirvana with a small rug, a chair, a cleaned fireplace hearth, a little ambiance to the fireplace, and some well deserved pats on the back!

I have to say, the rewards actually, have been many and the little spots of sunshine, a welcomed break from the tedious sorting, shredding, filing, and tossing.  It helps to keep me on task and focus on how important it is to have order develop out of the chaos!

I am including a few pictures of the highs and lows of my progress so far!

This little cabinet, freshly repaired and ready to hold pens, pencils, markers and other needed office supplies.

Found the knob, and promptly repaired it with my adhesive cement.  Just keeping that in my desk drawer helped to make a number of quick repairs!

One of several bags o files and paper shredded and boxes tossed!

Before shot of the fireplace-not so nice!

Fireplace cleaning.

Cleaned fireplace with "glowing embers" added and the andirons spruced up.  Looking better, no? 

My cozy little fireplace, free of boxes of papers, clutter and a sweet spot to sit and read and warm my feet and let the dogs warm their little hinnys.  The floors need to be redone, but for now, they will have to do, as there is no money in the tight budget to replace them, just yet!

Just a little screen shot of what has happened this week!  It may not seem like much, but the feeling is tremendous.  It feels lighter and airier in my little library/office.  The dust level has come down considerably and I can see the floor.  There is still much to do, but I feel good about my progress and I am not regretting anything I've tossed or gotten rid of.

My focus for the rest of the week, is to continue going through the boxes of paper (yes, there is still some to go through!), to start organizing the office supplies unearthed into an easy to maintain system, to pick a nice lamp for reading (I have many on hand to pick from!), and to start removing some of the larger furniture and perhaps exchanging a few pieces for ones that are more usable for my needs.

What do you think so far?